This summer is supposed to be my summer of "self-discipline" which, when combined with my level of willpower and determination, becomes almost ironic. I am supposed to be at least through one book of the Old Testament by now, and yet I have barely made it past chapter one. I am supposed to be growing in Christ, and instead, I am seeking other things to keep me content. It's not supposed to be this way. It really isn't. I was reading a blog earlier and the girl was talking about how she wanted to fall more in love with God in her free time. She literally thinks about Him all the time. I can't say the same thing for myself. Usually I'm thinking about how to be "content" or "happy" in worldly things and how to get what I want. And if not that, I'm worrying about getting a job or how to fund my life because I'm in a liminal state in which I have been offered a job, but haven't started working yet due to circumstances out of my control.
And I worry. And I think about how I want my future spouse to walk into my life or how I want to run an awesome "handmade boutique" or how I want Publix to call me in and tell me that they're sending me to orientation this weekend. I think about how other people have desires and wants, too. Like in eat, pray, love-- the woman goes all the way across the world to "find herself"-- and then "true love" plays into the whole theme, and then there's a bunch of "sighs" and "awws" at the end because everything works out and yet-- I realize-- even if that was everything she thinks she wanted-- she'd still feel a giant void that even her medicene man (in his dire concern for her and with his utter sweetness) would not be able to help guide her to the source of her need.
Yes, this is a movie. Yes, I may look like a lunatic for using a movie to discuss the classic "desire for fullfillment/want for something more" in something that isn't real-- but it was striking during the movie, pointing to my own heart and my own longings. I know the answer for all of my longings. There is only one answer and that answer never changes. Day after day, I know it. It is God. It is the desire to have a right relationship with Him. It is the desire to be fulfilled by Him and to know Him. However, I can't tell you how many times in the day I don't care about this fact. I only care about what I want. And somehow, someway-- this has to change.
I was in church a few weeks ago and the pastor said that we need to stop trying to fix ourselves and let God fix us. It's like, we see our brokenness and we try to use our self-reliant skills to patch up our own spiritual potholes and scrapes and scratches. It was never meant to be this way. We can't possibly fix something that marred since the beginning of human history-- since the fall of man. And yet I find myself trying to do this, and failing. If only I could be closer and more devoted to God, I say.. and I begin sketching out a well-laid plan for this: I will read my Bible every day, I will do this, I will do that. Not saying that it's dumb to plan to spend time with God. Not at all. That is vital to spiritual growth. However, I'm realizing more and more that I have to trust God with my brokenness, trust Him in my brokenness, and accept grace in my utter and total inability to be anything like His son.
Romans 7: 14-29 "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature[d] a slave to the law of sin.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
William Carlos Williams
"Danse Russe"
If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,—
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades—
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?
"Libertad! Igualdad! Fraternidad!"
You sullen pig of a man
you force me into the mud
with your stinking ash-cart!
Brother!
--if we were rich
we'd stick our chests out
and hold our heads high!
It is dreams that have destroyed us.
There is no more pride
in horses or in rein holding.
We sit hunched together brooding
our fate.
Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing.
If when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and Kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame-white disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,—
if I in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"I am lonely, lonely.
I was born to be lonely,
I am best so!"
If I admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades—
Who shall say I am not
the happy genius of my household?
"Libertad! Igualdad! Fraternidad!"
You sullen pig of a man
you force me into the mud
with your stinking ash-cart!
Brother!
--if we were rich
we'd stick our chests out
and hold our heads high!
It is dreams that have destroyed us.
There is no more pride
in horses or in rein holding.
We sit hunched together brooding
our fate.
Well--
all things turn bitter in the end
whether you choose the right or
the left way
and--
dreams are not a bad thing.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Lord, I want...
to stop gratifying my flesh. To stop daydreaming about petty dreams. To stop living for myself. To stop pushing you aside to entertain other "loves". To stop worrying about the future, and dreaming about the past. To stop thinking that I can find satisfaction in anyone but You.
Please help me, Lord.
I am a sinner, and despite my screaming flesh, I want to run to You.
Please help me, Lord.
I am a sinner, and despite my screaming flesh, I want to run to You.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Men at Forty
This summer, along with several other projects, I'm reading a new poem every day from my various poetry books that have accumulated on my bookshelf here at home.
Today, I have chosen to read and share one by Donald Justice:
"Men at Forty"
Men at forty
Learn to close softly
The doors to rooms they will not be
Coming back to.
At rest on a stair landing,
They feel it
Moving beneath them now like the deck of a ship,
Though the swell is gentle.
And deep in mirrors
They rediscover
The face of the boy as he practices tying
His father's tie there in secret
And the face of that father,
Still warm with the mystery of lather.
They are more fathers than sons themselves now.
Something is filling them, something
That is like the twilight sound
Of the crickets, immense,
Filling the woods at the foot of the slope
Behind their mortgaged houses.
Today, I have chosen to read and share one by Donald Justice:
"Men at Forty"
Men at forty
Learn to close softly
The doors to rooms they will not be
Coming back to.
At rest on a stair landing,
They feel it
Moving beneath them now like the deck of a ship,
Though the swell is gentle.
And deep in mirrors
They rediscover
The face of the boy as he practices tying
His father's tie there in secret
And the face of that father,
Still warm with the mystery of lather.
They are more fathers than sons themselves now.
Something is filling them, something
That is like the twilight sound
Of the crickets, immense,
Filling the woods at the foot of the slope
Behind their mortgaged houses.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
A girl who loves God
will give up even her heart's desires in order to follow God wholeheartedly.
will sacrifice her heart on His altar, knowing that whatever He's chosen for her life, whatever circumstance He allows to happen in her life, is good-- is for His glory.
will continuously strive to slay her flesh, even if it causes her to immensely and profoundly struggle with the war between good and evil going on inside her. In fact, it will cause her to struggle, for she will not let her flesh have the last word, even if it sometimes makes the first statement.
will deticate her life to praising her Father-- even if that means not knowing where she will go or what she will do to serve Him at all times-- she'll say, "here is my life, Father, please use it."
Will want God even when she doesn't want God... and even if she doesn't want God when she doesn't want Him, she'll want to want Him.
Will see Him as more beautiful than anything else life has to offer-- even though temptations, distractions, and detours are prone to happen, she'll always turn back to her Father and stand in awe of His outstanding beauty.
Will realize that the gift she has in Christ is more precious than anything that earth can contain.
Will guard her heart for the sake of her relationship with God-- and even if she fails to guard it sometimes, she will trust that God will fight for her if she stands still. -Genesis 13:13
And finally, when she fails, cries, makes mistakes, lets her flesh override the Spirit's nudging, idolizes something of this world rather than praising her Father, doesn't say all that needs to be said, says perhaps too much, hurts someone she cares about, doesn't go out of her way to care for someone, doesn't get everything perfect, doesn't speak with her Father as often as she should--
she will turn to Jesus and say, "I am Yours, I am Yours, oh Lord, I am Yours. Forgive me, make me who You want me to be, and THANK YOU for bearing the weight of my sin, for I owed a debt I could not pay, I am a mess that I cannot fix, I am profoundly imperfect, but I have You-- and can accept all my failings with great joy, knowing that my Savior PAID IT ALL! Hallelujah, Jesus paid it all... and He does not require me to be good in order to be saved, but makes me good and saves me daily, minute by minute, BECAUSE He loves me. Hallelujah, Jesus is mine. Lord, change my heart, and make me more of Your daughter than I could ever dream of being, as I know I already am... thank You for the cross-- give me a new heart for Your Name's sake!
will sacrifice her heart on His altar, knowing that whatever He's chosen for her life, whatever circumstance He allows to happen in her life, is good-- is for His glory.
will continuously strive to slay her flesh, even if it causes her to immensely and profoundly struggle with the war between good and evil going on inside her. In fact, it will cause her to struggle, for she will not let her flesh have the last word, even if it sometimes makes the first statement.
will deticate her life to praising her Father-- even if that means not knowing where she will go or what she will do to serve Him at all times-- she'll say, "here is my life, Father, please use it."
Will want God even when she doesn't want God... and even if she doesn't want God when she doesn't want Him, she'll want to want Him.
Will see Him as more beautiful than anything else life has to offer-- even though temptations, distractions, and detours are prone to happen, she'll always turn back to her Father and stand in awe of His outstanding beauty.
Will realize that the gift she has in Christ is more precious than anything that earth can contain.
Will guard her heart for the sake of her relationship with God-- and even if she fails to guard it sometimes, she will trust that God will fight for her if she stands still. -Genesis 13:13
And finally, when she fails, cries, makes mistakes, lets her flesh override the Spirit's nudging, idolizes something of this world rather than praising her Father, doesn't say all that needs to be said, says perhaps too much, hurts someone she cares about, doesn't go out of her way to care for someone, doesn't get everything perfect, doesn't speak with her Father as often as she should--
she will turn to Jesus and say, "I am Yours, I am Yours, oh Lord, I am Yours. Forgive me, make me who You want me to be, and THANK YOU for bearing the weight of my sin, for I owed a debt I could not pay, I am a mess that I cannot fix, I am profoundly imperfect, but I have You-- and can accept all my failings with great joy, knowing that my Savior PAID IT ALL! Hallelujah, Jesus paid it all... and He does not require me to be good in order to be saved, but makes me good and saves me daily, minute by minute, BECAUSE He loves me. Hallelujah, Jesus is mine. Lord, change my heart, and make me more of Your daughter than I could ever dream of being, as I know I already am... thank You for the cross-- give me a new heart for Your Name's sake!
Alleluia
Lord,
I know I've been here a thousand times-- crying because my sin hurts. It hurts to give up this sin. I've been basically cheating on You and come crying to you because my other love won't satisfy-- keeps elluding my grasp.
And you don't say, "I told yous so." Nor do you say, "this is exactly what you deserve, what did you expect?"
You say, "I love you, You are mine."
But I don't deserve to be Yours.
My heart right now, God, my heart is filthy with envy, jealously, lust, pride, greed, selfishness, tons of awful things that twist and knarl my good intentions and leave me grumbling and grinding my teeth in sinful cynicalness-- and this is not what I want.
Father, I want to glorify You...
but my flesh wants nothing more than to satisfy its cravings,
and for that--
for that awful fact,
I cry, and I hurt.
Lord, I want You even though I don't want You.
And if You've chosen for me to be single for the rest of my life, well then-- this is good-- despite what my flesh screams. Let it burn, let it die, let it become sallow and miserably disappointed, not matter how bad it hurts and how much of a struggle it is to distinguish the fires that it burns within me.
I need Your help, Lord.
I don't need daydreams and dreams in general that may never come true, that only set up for disappointment.
I need You.
Only You.
Hallelujah, everything happens for a reason.
Hallelujah if my heart's desire is granted.
Hallelujah if it's not.
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you that hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:24
Found this on http://todayisawindingroad.tumblr.com
The Lord just asks you to fall back and trust Him. Fall back, with every feeling that you’re going to hit the ground and hit it hard… just have the courage to do it… and He will strengthen your heart, your head, your body, your situation… He will take care of every detail of the rest… Just have the courage to fall.
I know I've been here a thousand times-- crying because my sin hurts. It hurts to give up this sin. I've been basically cheating on You and come crying to you because my other love won't satisfy-- keeps elluding my grasp.
And you don't say, "I told yous so." Nor do you say, "this is exactly what you deserve, what did you expect?"
You say, "I love you, You are mine."
But I don't deserve to be Yours.
My heart right now, God, my heart is filthy with envy, jealously, lust, pride, greed, selfishness, tons of awful things that twist and knarl my good intentions and leave me grumbling and grinding my teeth in sinful cynicalness-- and this is not what I want.
Father, I want to glorify You...
but my flesh wants nothing more than to satisfy its cravings,
and for that--
for that awful fact,
I cry, and I hurt.
Lord, I want You even though I don't want You.
And if You've chosen for me to be single for the rest of my life, well then-- this is good-- despite what my flesh screams. Let it burn, let it die, let it become sallow and miserably disappointed, not matter how bad it hurts and how much of a struggle it is to distinguish the fires that it burns within me.
I need Your help, Lord.
I don't need daydreams and dreams in general that may never come true, that only set up for disappointment.
I need You.
Only You.
Hallelujah, everything happens for a reason.
Hallelujah if my heart's desire is granted.
Hallelujah if it's not.
"Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you that hope in the Lord." -Psalm 31:24
Found this on http://todayisawindingroad.tumblr.com
The Lord just asks you to fall back and trust Him. Fall back, with every feeling that you’re going to hit the ground and hit it hard… just have the courage to do it… and He will strengthen your heart, your head, your body, your situation… He will take care of every detail of the rest… Just have the courage to fall.
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